Full Metal Panic

It seems that every time I become anticipatory about the trip, I begin to get excessively nervous. With a sort of frenetic anxiety that borders on compulsion, I begin checking flight options and comparing travelling by one-way and last minute deals versus multi-destination passes. Prices come up, and impossibilities arise in my mind. I refuse to go into debt for this trip, but I don't want to completley deplete my savings account either. I am able to accept that the seperate investment fund we set up for the trip will be gone - that I can stomach. I can even deal with Glen's comfort in draining his chequing account for our expenses. But airfare costs so very, very much. How long can we afford to stay? What if we are unable to get working holiday visas?

These are the sorts of nagging fears that continually pop up in my mind. Truthfully, this is part of the reason why I feel as though I should go - to get over the sorts of security anxieties that may keep me from trying anything off the scale of complete predictability. Yet it is extremely difficult to simply ignore the nagging voice in my head that insists that Glen and I are being irresponsible, that we are on a wild goose chase for an experience that will ultimately be a dissapointment due to uncertainties over where we will be sleeping that night, how we will eat the next day, and whether or not we should just pack in and go home.

Granted, the logical side of my brain is aware that this Henny Penny worrying is unreasonable. Others have done this before us, and others will do these trips afterwards. We will be able to get a work permit, even if we need to wait until January to apply. At the absolute worst, we will need to cut our losses and come back home. In the end, that is better than not going at all.

And yet I am still frightened. We've invested too much time into this endeavour to stop it now, but I am still terrified despite all the bravado that I claim to have. Adventure should never be easy. That statement was posted at the top of this journal not as a claim to the world at large, but rather as a personal reminder. If this was easy, what would the point be?

All this fretting has had the effect of instigating a roaring headache. I may leave work early today to get some of these issues sorted out. We shall see how the afternoon goes.